Sydney here. So of course I’m trying to finish the first round of edits on a new book as well as wanting to start another book I have all planned out and I get a new idea for a book. It’s a curse. So instead of editing tonight, I wrote about 1200 words for a book that isn’t planned out. I’m not sure if I want to use this in a book, or put it up here as blog posts. In essence it’s from a supervillain’s POV and it’ll either be Supervillain’s Guidebook or Confessions of a Supervillain. Or I guess it could be the Supervillain’s Handbook. Or Tips on being a Supervillain. Or How to Be a Supervillain. You get the idea. So here’s what I came up with tonight:
Call me Bob or Shirley. I don’t care. Now I’m sure you’re thinking that Bob is a boring supervillain name (it really is), but I don’t want to reveal my true identity. Like the heroes, supervillains can have secret identities. Why you ask? It’s simple. There are times when I want anonymity. Do you think I want the so-called heroes showing up 24/7? Hell no. Sometimes a supervillain needs some quiet time, some down time, a break. Seriously. You try being evil all of the time. It gets tiring.
There’s also another reason.
My family (yes, supervillains have families). I’m sure my parents and siblings don’t want heroes showing up on their doorsteps. My parents are elderly. Heroes suddenly showing up on their doorstep would give them heart attacks. I’m rather fond of my parents and would like to see them not expire anytime soon.
There are times when I hate my siblings, (I think we all do that at some point) but for the most part we get along and, dare I say, love each other. My one sibling was the bane of my existence growing up, but we get along better now that we’re adults (I do have suspicions that they haven’t truly grown up). I mean, they were the one who would eat the last of something and then put the empty package back in the cabinet. How did I know it was them? That self-satisfied smirk on their face when they saw the disappointed look on your face. Now that is pure evil. To this day, I’m honestly surprised they’re not the who became a supervillain. Although for all I know, they could be. My family doesn’t know I’m a supervillain. At least I don’t think they know.
You must be shocked to discover a supervillain has a family. We’re all not figures who have a tragic past where we either lost our parents, or had some tale of woe where we were abused and now hate our parents. Some of us are evil because we like being evil. We like seeing chaos, mayhem, suffering, and all around horrible things happen. Like it was said in a movie (albeit a superhero movie), some people just want to see the world burn. That would be us supervillains. At least some of us. Others want to rule the world (seriously, who would want to do that much work? Running the world is a HUGE undertaking. Definitely not for me).
We don’t just pop out of thin air as adult supervillains. There are a few that were made, (I can’t mention names here because I don’t want to get sued) but for the most part we have families. Some of us even have a wife/husband and children. Not me of course.
Here’s the thing with families. They’re a weakness. If someone knows your real identity, it doesn’t take much to find your family members. They can be used as leverage against you by other supervillains (this isn’t a club where we all get along just because we’re evil) and even heroes can use them against you. Yes, I said heroes. Do you think heroes are so pure and righteous that they won’t try to turn your family members against you? Of course they will. They want to stop you and won’t hesitate to use whatever leverage they can find.
Secret identities are important. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. Look, we all have things that need to get done and don’t need or want attention drawn to ourselves while we do it. Do you think I could go to the grocery store or book store dressed as a supervillain? Hell no. I’m that mild mannered person wandering the aisles, looking for an item on my list. I don’t need to be in the grocery store reaching for that can of Spam (don’t judge me) and BAM! A hero shows up out of the blue and knocks me across the store into the dairy case. Milk is spilled and people are running around screaming. Unnecessary chaos. Just like you, some of us want to shop in peace (not all of us are into robbery and just taking what we want). Your secret identity is something that should be protected and guarded like the gold in Fort Knox (note to self: research Fort Knox for future plans).
I know some will say send a minion, but do you know how hard it is to find someone who knows exactly what kind of book you want to read or what snack I’m craving? I like to browse and see what catches my eye. A minion can’t do that for me. Besides, if it ever got to the point where a minion could do that for me, it’d be time to get rid of that minion. No one should know me that well. That’s just inviting someone to use that knowledge against me.
Do you know what is almost as important as your secret identity? Your supervillain name.
Look, your supervillain name needs to be intimidating and strike fear into everyone. Pick the wrong name? People will laugh at you. How can someone be afraid of you if they’re too busy laughing at you and making fun of your name? I’ve seen it (no, it didn’t happen to me and I’m not telling you my supervillain name) and it wasn’t pretty. Not only will civilians and heroes mock you, other supervillains will mock you. You don’t want to be the laughing stock of the supervillain community. Trust me. We’d be a lot harder on you than anyone else will be.
These days finding and picking a name can be tough. All the good names are probably taken. Like Dr. Do(not finishing that. Don’t want to get sued). You get my point. I hope. You don’t want to end up in court arguing about your supervillain name. I’ve seen it happen. It wasn’t pretty. Besides, all that money you have acquired (legally or illegally. We are supervillains after all) can be put to better use than spending it on court cases. Save yourself time, dignity, and money and do research before you pick your name.
Same thing goes for costumes. You need to pick something that won’t be laughed at. People will give you a lot of advice on what you need and what to avoid. Take their advice with salt. I’m going to channel my inner Edna Mode here and say “NO CAPES!”. Seriously. Go watch that part of The Incredibles (and the ending with Syndrome). In fact, watch those two parts a few times to get it to sink in.
We should all hire fashion designers for our costumes. Although on second thought, we could end up looking ridiculous like those runway models (who would actually wear that stuff they model?). Do your research. Folks don’t do their research and then suddenly we have a dozen supervillains all dressed as evil clowns. Or worse yet, mimes. There’s nothing worse than a dozen evil clowns or mimes running around at the same time.
Sometimes simple goes a long way and is better than obnoxious over-the-top costumes. Dr. Horrible from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is a good example of a simple and serviceable costume. Although it did little to hide his real identity. Masks are a good way of hiding your identity, but make sure you can see and breathe. They are important things.
So that’s it for tonight. What do you think? Blog posts, or a book?
